Getting Back in Gear

Wow, it's been about 6 months since my last post. What's been going on since that time? Seemingly, not a whole lot. I'd say it's been a transitional time but when the transitional period seems more like an epoch unto itself, it's a little embarassing! Then again, I've always been one to take a long time to make changes. I use things up till they're absolutely gone -- soap, toothpaste, etc. -- before I buy a replacement; I hold onto relationships till it's beyond clear that they've outlived their shelf life.

My first epiphany about this came back in about 1990, on an Outward Bound course. There was a lot of profound experiential learning for me on that trip but the greatest came at the very end, during the ropes course. I sat perched on the edge of a very high platform willing myself to jump off and be carried across the zip cord, but I was paralyzed by fear. I was perfectly safe -- harnessed in securely, attached to strong ropes and solid equipment -- but none of this registered right then. For a while, the rest of the group was supportive, shouting encouragment and urging me on. Eventually, though, they lost interest and wanted to move on to lunch.

I knew I could give up but I also knew I'd never forgive myself if I did. I kept thinking that if I could just hold on tightly enough, I could let go! Paradoxical, yes, but this is the battleground of the rational mind. Eventually, something in my brain just switched over -- I loosened my grip on the rope and thought, "whatever happens, happens." As I slid off the edge of the platform I thought about death, that ultimate fear that keeps us bound. I dropped, I screamed, and, of course, I was supported. It was even -- fun!

The experience taught me much about holding back versus letting go and trusting - like Yoga, which teaches that ultimately we are not in control and to live in accordance with guidance we've got to learn to listen and trust that it's taking us where we need to go. This is a lesson I've had to experience over and over, and this period in my life is no exception. Soon, I hope, that switch in my brain will flip and I'll finally be free to move forward. I just hope lunch isn't over with.